I have fallen off the healthier life style wagon. I have not written down the foods I have consumed since Wendy and I last weighed. I have let too many hours pass between meals so that I am ravenous and shaky with low blood sugar. I have not walked around the lake or danced Bollywood style either. I have chosen to eat candy, ice cream and fish and chips.
I should also share that I have been struggling with great sadness. My Great Aunt Dorothy passed away after Thanksgiving. She was the last of that generation. My Uncle Ed passed away last month. He is the first of his siblings to pass. These losses have stirred in me the emotions I have surrounding other losses I have not come to terms with.
While I have read about people being emotional eaters, and I assumed I was/am one too, I have come to realize I use food like some use alcohol and drugs. I know just the right combination of carbs and fat to ingest to get the desired physical high. Without the physical effects of my food-chemistry, these emotions have been much sharper and more painful. I am not practiced at feeling them at this intensity level. I cry at the drop of a hat and bite the heads off my family with little provocation. The old man at the gas station that pulled up to the gas pump I was pulling up to got the dirtiest look and it was all I could do not to tell him of his ill conceived birth and questionable parentage. Who knows what the neighbor boys were thinking when they skateboarded by as I was raking the leaves and sobbing.
I will post this and go for a walk, and probably a good cry. Maybe I should don one of Roger's old ratty fishing sweatshirts and my hunters hat so that I look like a scruffy mumbling street person. The crying would then be in character. It is that or eat more peanut M&Ms.
Amy
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Gah! I wish I was closer so I could atleast give you a hug!
ReplyDeleteI think every journey has its ups and downs, so I don't see it as a matter of jumping back on the wagon (which, for some reason, I envision careening past at insanely high speeds) but rather taking another step and hopefully not falling flat on my face.
Good for you for going for a walk. I'm been trying to replace my emotional eating habits with exercise habits. It's not easy!
OH Amy, I wish I was there to give you a hug. Let the tears come. Don't try to stop them. It is a tuff time when we lose our loved ones. Always remember that we are human. We can fall off the wagon it is OK. Just remember to pick ourself up, forgive ourself and tell yourself that the next meal you are going eat right. Don't beat yourself up and throw in the towel. Just tell yourself that the next time you eat you are gong to back on track. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletehang in there! don't they say it takes 28 days to change any behavior? - and that's just the initial physical cravings. It will get better. go for water when "hunger" sets in - usually thirsty reads as hungry. anyway - stay strong!!
ReplyDeletewd